I Got Something To Say: Relationship Struggles: Friends, Significant Others, Family

(Copied and Pasted)

From:	Bxxxxxxxx
To:	Karen Williams-deCastro

HELP!

"Karen, maybe you can help me with your viewpoint. I really messed up with Jxxxx. I (did something horrible and unforgiveable to him) and he found out. He have been together for 2 years and he just up and left....walked away. Now? He won't even talk to me. I told him I was sorry and I have tried to talk to him over and over. I call him and text him and try to see him, but he won't work on this with me. We had been friends for years and Jxxxx and I have been through a lot in that time.......I don't understand how he can just walk away and throw what we have out the window. I miss him a lot and I miss his friendship. Any advice on how I can get us back together? I'd be willing to try anything."

MY RESPONSE:

(I found it quite difficult to answer this question, which was sent to me about 3 weeks ago, because it plays such a prevalent role in something that I am going through at the moment. So, B.H., I apologize for the length of time it has taken me to respond and, as I explained in the email I sent you, take what I say with a grain of salt, sort of speak. I want to remind everyone that: I am NOT a relationship expert, NOT EVEN CLOSE. This is simply my point of view as it pertains to all relationships: that of friendships, spouses, family, etc. I make no judgments, for, I have made PLENTY of mistakes. Please make your own determinations. )

In life, everyone makes mistakes. It is inevitable. You can't get around it. Sometimes, what seems right at the moment, ends up NOT being what's best. We are all human and, as such, tend to NOT always have the ability to see ahead past what we want at the moment. Once you realize that we have made a mistake, the only thing to do is try to fix it.

The first step in fixing any bump in a relationship would be to recognize what you did wrong and accept that responsibility. Then put yourself in the other persons shoes and ask yourself some questions: Why did this happen? How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? What should you have done and how will you handle it differently next time?

The second step would be to determine IF the relationship can be fixed. Rather it can be or not, this would be a point when it may be appropriate to go to this person and say, sincerely, "What I did (said) was wrong. I didn't mean it. And I'm really sorry. Do you think we could talk?" (Sound familiar Camp Do More Participants?) In a perfect world, you'd talk, apologize, cry, hug, and all would be well in the world. But, alas. This is NOT a perfect world. If it was, we wouldn't even be talking about this. While the above scenario may work sometimes, more often than not, IF it can be fixed, it will take many talks and even more time. Once this has passed, both parties HAVE to let it go. The fault can't be thrown into the face of the guilty party. And the guilty party has to let themselves off the hook. But what happens if it CAN'T be fixed??

Often times, a damaged relationship, no matter HOW much one party may desire it, can't be repaired. When this happens, it is still important that the person responsible for the damage, if there is a responsible party, take full responsibility. There are bound to be heartache and hurt feelings, but, unfortunately, this is a part of life. No matter if you are the wronged party, or the party who did the damage, you have to, eventually, dust yourself off and keep moving. There are no time restraints on how long this should take you. Mourning the loss of a relationship is often like dealing with a death because the relationship you had before, is gone. Often times its difficult to let go of the relationship, especially if you were the one at fault. So my advice for that is to take your time. FEEL. People say "get over it." "Move on"."You don't need him or her anyways." But the truth is it's not nearly that simple. Allow yourself to be sad. Cry. Scream. Do whatever it is that you need to do in order to be able to move forward. Often times, a great support can be a trusted friend or family member who will help you with advice or a listening ear. For myself, I wanted objectivity, bluntness, and complete honesty, so I chose to go to a therapist who deals with relationships and personal issues. There are few things more life changing than having someone give you an "ah ha moment". Therapy can be a healthy option for BOTH parties, rather the relationship is on the mend or irreparably broken, rather it be together or separate. My solution was therapy and getting busy; making goals and striving for them; creating other priorities; relieving the stress of the situation through exercise. Quite a bit of time has passed and I am STILL in a state of mourning & processing. I'm still not sleeping. Still going through it. Still in denial at times. Still in a state of shock at times. STILL wishing things were different. STILL replaying events in my mind. When I need to cry, I cry. When I need to go out, I go out. When I need to be alone, I withdraw myself. When I need a friend, I make a phone call..or 2...or 3. When I need a break, I take one. When I need to scream, I scream. When I need to talk, I talk. When I need to vent, I vent. When I NEED ice cream, I have...well, frozen protein shakes, but you get the picture. To deal with being wronged or realizing that you were wrong, is a process. And in order to heal it becomes important to put yourself, and deal with these feelings, at the forefront. This situation has the possibility of affecting every relationship you have, and your dealings with others. So you HAVE to "put your big girl (or guy) panties(or boxers) on", as the saying goes, and deal with it head on, knowing that things may NOT turn out the way you want.

I realize that this may not be the answer that you are looking for. But I think it's important that you understand that there is not quick fix and that you simply can't make someone love you, rather it be a friend, a significant other, OR a family member. This can be difficult to accept or understand, ESPECIALLY when you have so much love for the other person; that person fills your thought processes throughout the day. But for a relationship to work there has to be MUTUAL love / respect. One person with great love that is not reciprocated will eventually equal a horrible ending to the relationship. After what you have done, it is completely understandable why he may feel that it is not work saving. Just as you say you can't believe that he would throw away what you had, imagine this: He probably feels the same way about what YOU did.

“Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes. Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future.” We all go through changes and growth. In order to experience growth, you HAVE to make mistakes. From those mistakes we take the lessons learned and, HOPEFULLY, apply them to our live and future dealings with others.

Hopefully, this has been helpful to you. I wish you health, happiness, and wellness.

Karen Williams-deCastro

Karen Williams-deCastro~CPT
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~Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.~
Robert Collier

Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.~ Mark Victor Hansen

When Life gives you lemons, pick them up and throw them at it!~
Karen Williams-deCastro :-D

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