Relationship Struggles: Friends, Significant Others, Family

(Copied and Pasted)

From:	Bxxxxxxxx
To:	Karen Williams-deCastro

HELP! 

"Karen, maybe you can help me with your viewpoint. I really messed up with Jxxxx. I (did something horrible and unforgiveable to him) and he found out.  He have been together for 2 years and he just up and left....walked away. Now? He won't even talk to me. I told him I was sorry and I have tried to talk to him over and over. I call him and text him and try to see him, but he won't work on this with me. We had been friends for years and Jxxxx and I have been through a lot in that time.......I don't understand how he can just walk away and throw what we have out the window. I miss him a lot and I miss his friendship. Any advice on how I can get us back together? I'd be willing to try anything."

MY RESPONSE:

(I found it quite difficult to answer this question, which was sent to me about 3 weeks ago, because it plays such a prevalent role in something that I am going through at the moment. So, B.H., I apologize for the length of time it has taken me to respond and, as I explained in the email I sent you, take what I say with a grain of salt, sort of speak. I want to remind everyone that: I am NOT a relationship expert, NOT EVEN CLOSE.  This is simply my point of view as it pertains to all relationships: that of friendships, spouses, family, etc. I make no judgments, for, I have made PLENTY of mistakes. Please make your own determinations. )

In life, everyone makes mistakes. It is inevitable. You can't get around it. Sometimes, what seems right at the moment, ends up NOT being what's best. We are all human and, as such, tend to NOT always have the ability to see ahead past what we want at the moment. Once you realize that we have made a mistake, the only thing to do is try to fix it.

The first step in fixing any bump in a relationship would be to recognize what you did wrong and accept that responsibility. Then put yourself in the other persons shoes and ask yourself some questions: Why did this happen?  How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? What should you have done and how will you handle it differently next time?

The second step would be to determine IF the relationship can be fixed. Rather it can be or not, this would be a point when it may be appropriate to go to this person and say, sincerely, "What I did (said) was wrong. I didn't mean it. And I'm really sorry. Do you think we could talk?" (Sound familiar Camp Do More Participants?) In a perfect world, you'd talk, apologize, cry, hug, and all would be well in the world. But, alas. This is NOT a perfect world. If it was, we wouldn't even be talking about this.  While the above scenario may work sometimes, more often than not, IF it can be fixed, it will take many talks and even more time. Once this has passed, both parties HAVE to let it go. The fault can't be thrown into the face of the guilty party. And the guilty party has to let themselves off the hook. But what happens if it CAN'T be fixed??

Often times, a damaged relationship, no matter HOW much one party may desire it, can't be repaired. When this happens, it is still important that the person responsible for the damage, if there is a responsible party, take full responsibility. There are bound to be heartache and hurt feelings, but, unfortunately, this is a part of life. No matter if you are the wronged party, or the party who did the damage, you have to, eventually, dust yourself off and keep moving. There are no time restraints on how long this should take you. Mourning the loss of a relationship is often like dealing with a death because the relationship you had before, is gone. Often times its difficult to let go of the relationship, especially if you were the one at fault.  So my advice for that is to take your time. FEEL. People say "get over it."  "Move on"."You don't need him or her anyways." But the truth is it's not nearly that simple. Allow yourself to be sad. Cry. Scream. Do whatever it is that you need to do in order to be able to move forward. Often times, a great support can be a trusted friend or family member who will help you with advice or a listening ear. For myself, I wanted objectivity, bluntness, and complete honesty, so I chose to go to a therapist who deals with relationships and personal issues. There are few things more life changing than having someone give you an "ah ha moment". Therapy can be a healthy option for BOTH parties, rather the relationship is on the mend or irreparably broken, rather it be together or separate. My solution was therapy and getting busy; making goals and striving for them; creating other priorities; relieving the stress of the situation through exercise. Quite a bit of time has passed and I am STILL in a state of mourning & processing. I'm still not sleeping. Still going through it. Still in denial at times.  Still in a state of shock at times. STILL wishing things were different. STILL replaying events in my mind. When I need to cry, I cry. When I need to go out, I go out. When I need to be alone, I withdraw myself. When I need a friend, I make a phone call..or 2...or 3. When I need a break, I take one. When I need to scream, I scream. When I need to talk, I talk. When I need to vent, I vent.   When I NEED ice cream, I have...well, frozen protein shakes, but you get the picture. To deal with being wronged or realizing that you were wrong, is a process. And in order to heal it becomes important to put yourself, and deal with these feelings, at the forefront. This situation has the possibility of affecting every relationship you have, and your dealings with others. So you HAVE to "put your big girl (or guy) panties(or boxers) on", as the saying goes, and deal with it head on, knowing that things may NOT turn out the way you want.

  I realize that this may not be the answer that you are looking for. But I think it's important that you understand that there is not quick fix and that you simply can't make someone love you, rather it be a friend, a significant other, OR a family member. This can be difficult to accept or understand, ESPECIALLY when you have so much love for the other person; that person fills your thought processes throughout the day.  But for a relationship to work there has to be MUTUAL love / respect. One person with great love that is not reciprocated will eventually equal a horrible ending to the relationship.  After what you have done, it is completely understandable why he may feel that it is not work saving. Just as you say you can't believe that he would throw away what you had, imagine this: He probably feels the same way about what YOU did.

“Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes. Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future.” We all go through changes and growth. In order to experience growth, you HAVE to make mistakes. From those mistakes we take the lessons learned and, HOPEFULLY, apply them to our live and future dealings with others.

Hopefully, this has been helpful to you. I wish you health, happiness, and wellness.

Karen Williams-deCastro

Karen Williams-deCastro~CPT
Independent Beachbody Coach
Independent Beauty Consultant

NSCA Certified Personal Trainer
ISSA Certified Fitness Trainer
AFAA Certified Personal Trainer
NASM Certified Personal Trainer
PFI Certified Personal Trainer
Turbo Kick Certified Instructor
Bootcamp Certified Instructor
Hip hOp HusTle Certified Instructor
Soon-to-be ACE Certified (in progress)
Soon-to-be PiYo Certified

~Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.~
Robert Collier

Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.~ Mark Victor Hansen

When Life gives you lemons, pick them up and throw them at it!~
Karen Williams-deCastro :-D

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Back On My Soap Box About Burning/Copying Beachbody Programs

Okay. SERIOUSLY? I was gonna look for a way to sugar coat this and what not, but I changed my mind. I am ANGRY. Not an emotion that I like to express often but right now, it is necessary, and I am allowed to be,(dare I say?), PISSED OFF.

I am a Certified Personal Trainer & a Beachbody Coach. That means that it is my ABSOLUTE PLEASURE to help you achieve the health, fitness, and wellness goals, that you aspire to reach. I will spend all the time necessary to help you find the program (s) and/or Supplements that YOU need to achieve the goals that YOU want. There are MANY of you that can attest to this. And, if for some reason, a Beachbody program doesn't work for you, I try REALLY hard to find you other options. And I do all of this at NO EXPENSE TO YOU. I do it because I enjoy it. It does not cost you anything because the company pays me a small percentage of every item I sell. Does this mean that it is my job to sell you Beachbody items? Uhmmm......NO. There are many of you that can attest to this too. How many of you have I recommended BSN Lean Dessert Protein Powder to? Beachbody makes Whey protein powders. However, that one may not neccessarily fit into the needs and goals that YOU have for yourself.  It's my job as a Coach, A CPT, your Friend, and a frickin HUMAN BEING to try to find you something that will work for YOU. It just so happens that Beachbody has a program and/or a supplement that works for just about anyone because they test and test and test their product to make sure it is as close to perfection as they can get it. And I do this because I ENJOY IT. SO, I ASK: WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU ASK ME TO BURN YOU A COPY OF A PROGRAM?  And, I will go a step further: WHY WOULD YOU BURN A COPY OF THAT PROGRAM FOR SOMEONE?  PISSES ME OFF TO NO END! Everytime you burn a copy of the programs, you are, literally, taking money out of my pocket and not getting the results you'll need because you have not been assigned a coach. EVERYTIME YOU BUY A COUNTERFIET PRODUCT ON eBay or purchase a program on there, again, you are stealing money out of the pockets of the Beachbody coaches and robbing yourself of reaching your goals. AND THEN YOU GET UPSET WHEN YOU BUY SAID PROGRAM AND IT DIDNT WORK.  And then I ask you "Did you follow the eating guide?" and you say "What eating guide?" "Did you use the bands?" "What bands?" "Did you use the wall chart that showed you which programs to do when?" "What wall chart?" "Did you use the enclosed forum website so you could get additional motivation from others who are doing the program?" "What website?" HUH? REALLY? 

Now. NO ONE knows better than me how difficult it can be to afford  some programs, which can run from $59.99-$189.00 for deluxe versions. (Not all Beachbody programs do.) But I think that you do what I do: you save for it. Cut out Starbucks. Seriously, which one is better for you? And if you can pay $120.00 for a pair off SHOES.....Do I really need to comment further? OR here is a BETTER idea: BECOME A COACH AND SAVE $$$ ON THE PROGRAMS/SUPPLEMENTS.  Hmmm...makes me wonder; what would YOU do in this situation if YOU were a coach trying to help your "friends"?


This is what I have to say to people who are NOT willing to invest in themselves and their health: YOU ARE NOT READY.  You are showing me COMPLETE lack of respect for what I do: try to help and motivate YOU. But you USE me to get the help that YOU need. SHAME ON YOU. I like to think that I go above and beyond for my clients and ANYONE in my Friends list. NOTHING gives me more pleasure than getting that text "OMG. I have lost 40 pounds to day with xyz program." Or the emails I get that say "Im moving to Round two of P90X. I was able to put on jeans I haven't been able to wear since highschool!" That stuff right there, often moves me to tears. I LOVE it. Because I have been there. I know what it feels like to slip into my size 4 shorts when before a 14 was way too tight. What I want is for EVERYONE to have THAT joy. To be able to do bicep curls with 25 instead of 5 ponds weights. To be able to walk up a flight of staris without being winded. To be able to go outside and play with your kids and live that healthy, happy lifestyle that everyone deserves. AND I HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED THAT IS IS ILLEGAL. So not only do you not respect ME enough, but you don't respect yourself and don't know that you are worth it. SMH. That's just too bad. Pathetic even. And if you are the one BURNING THE PROGRAM, the same goes to you. And your "friend" doesn't respect you either.

I WISH I could say that this was only 1 or 2 people, but I have gotten emails and request from several people. Some of you will remember I DELETED a ton of people who could not seem to understand why I could not do it....seriously?

All I am saying is respect me, and the other coaches, enough to NOT burn/copy programs. Respect yourself enough. Rather you know it or not, you ARE worth it. If you weren't, I wouldn't be wasting my time (which is what it feels like when you do this) trying to help you reach your goals. If you can't respect this very simple request to do what's proper and right, or you can't understand why I am soo upset, please simply remove me from your friends list. You, unfortunately, are NOT the type of person I need in my life. And for those of you thinking "She could have told me this in private", YES. I could have. But WHY should I have to repeat this approximately 3-6 times a day? Why should I show YOU the respect that you are NOT showing ME? This is MUCH better, for me, and I can tell EVERYONE THE SAME THING, AT THE SAME TIME and there can be no She said this, or she said that. It's all right here. Black and White. For everyone to see. And besides that, it is sad enough that I have to explain this, at all,  to GROWN ASS people why this MIGHT NOT BE APPROPRIATE.





Now, I am going to brew a cup of Detox Tea, Take a DEEP BREATH, and move on from this topic. It has taken up enough of my time.

As always, I am here to help you reach your Fitness, Health, and Wellness goals. Step one is knowing that YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Karen Williams-deCastro~CPT

Laid to Rest 3/13/10 To Cousin Curtis, with love.

Curtis, yesterday we said our final good byes to you. The standing room only crowd of the hundreds of people that you have touched was overwhelming. People from your childhood on up, some people who haven't seen you in years, was a true testiment to the type of legacy that you left behind; a legacy of pure honesty, loyalty and love. I know you had good laughs & great memeories as you scanned the crowd. Derek McKinney, Dan Smith and your brother,Tommy Scott, summed your loving, truthful, cheery, spirit up PERFECTLY with love and laughter; and your baby brother, Kevin, my heart, spoke with love from his heart about the big brother that he loves, misses, and respects. Your daughter, sweet Jayla. She wanted to make sure that EVERYONE knew that you were a GREAT father, and that she loved you and you loved her and that was all that mattered. I was so moved by the amount of love that was in that room. I saw Jenn and Mr. Worden. Yeah cuz, Mr. Worden! What did you think about that? I know it brought a smile to your face.


Now cuz, I have been talking to you everyday, so you know I have been having a problem with trying to figure out WHY: Why you had to be in such pain in the first place, and why you had to leave this earth. You were such a great soul with a great heart. "God giveth and god takes it away" , "At least he is no longer in pain", "He is in a better place", "God has a plan", and all the other things that we tell ourselves to try to make sense of death, just wasn't doing it for me. I was angry with the why's. And saddened over not having you here. WHY WOULD "GOD" TAKE YOU FROM US? I am not religious, as you know cuz, but I am spiritual. So none of that worked to relieve my pain. But then, I got it. Not at the church, not from words spoken, but from the most unlikely spot: the back of the T-shirts that were made for you. The authour is Unknown, but it reads as follows:

God's Garden

God looked around His garden
And He found an empty place
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your precious face

He put His arms around you
And lifted you to rest;
God' s Garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain
He knew you' d never ever
Get well on earth again.

So He closed your weary eyelids
And whispered " Peace be thine "
Then He took you up to Heaven
With Hands so gentle and kind.

It broke our hearts to lose you
But you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God welcomed you home.

Cuz, I promise to carry on your legacy in the way that I live my life. Your daughter has a father figures who, while could NEVER replace you, will use you as an example in the way he raises HIS child. They already have such a bond. Kevin has grown into a full pledged man right before my eyes, and know I know what a role you played in that .

We will continue to celebrate you. We will carry you with us. We are all better people for knowing you. I love you.

R.I.P. Curtis "Cool C" Eugene Williams 3/23/72~3/01/10. gone but never forgotten.

Love, Cousin Karen